November 8, 2005

What would Jesus drive?

What would Jesus drive?

A few years ago a writer named Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote a story about Jesus’ preference of cars. Another writer, Roy Rivenburg, on a website called “Off Kilter” wrote a follow up in September of 2000 ( quoting the bible and taking a stab at the choice of vehicle…

Here is some out-takes from that story (paraphrased on

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to, "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps, God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda "The Apostles were in one Accord."

In 2002 an ad series was introduced by a group called the Evangelical Environmental Network that claimed that Jesus would definitely NOT drive an SUV, minivan or pick-up. The ads appeared in four states claimed that the those vehicles are so environmentally unfriendly that any Christian would be morally wrong just to buy one.

I just bought a new SUV from Howdy Honda in Austin. Come on now. Now my vehicle is a tool of Satan? Oooh, look this one has automatic windows, Lucifer must have thought that up. Look Ma, this one gets 6 miles per gallon…6 in city, 6 on road and it’s a 6 cylinder….AHHHHH!

Let’s rule out some other vehicles that Jesus wouldn’t drive…for other reasons. I don’t’ think Jesus would drive a Harley. I think his garb would get caught and it could pose a real risk, of course in all of the drawings I see, he’s got the look of a biker.

I don’t think he’d drive a Mercedes Benz. Any vehicle that Janis Joplin asked his dad for is out, in my opinion.

I’m also of the opinion that Jesus wouldn’t drive around in a sports car. Just too flashy. It’d be hard to take him seriously if he drove up in a Camero, Trans-Am, Corvette, Porsche, or Lamborghini. Now if he came back as “Jezuz,” “J-izzle-esus-izzle” or had a kickin WWJD gold Run-DMC Chain….never mind, lets just rule out the sports car.

I’ve actually talked to a few people, and overheard a few conversations on the topic and I’ve heard two opinions I half-way agree with. One person said he’d walk…just like he did the first time. That makes sense. He’s Jesus…that’s his thing — Walking. The other person said he’d ride a donkey. I can go for that, makes sense. I think those are the two ways Jesus got around before, and he did some amazing things.

Of course, If you think about it, Jesus wouldn’t really have to do much traveling, I mean with the Internet and TV being able to broadcast him to the far corners of the earth and back…. Of course then we would have to ask the question from the age-old Ray Stevens song “Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show?”

Here’s my opinion. I was actually discussing this with my wife a couple of months back. The scenario: We were driving back from visiting our friends in Houston and we came across an old Volkswagen van. On this van was, in those black sticker-letters, scriptures from the bible in English AND Spanish. It was the Jesus Van. That spurred this thought.

I think if Jesus drove, he would drive a full-size Van. I’m sorry you guys at the Evangelical Environmental Network, but Jesus was traveling big. He had 13 people with him a lot of the time. He’d need the room. Side note: do you think the term Posse came from shortening Apostles? Just a thought.

I used to go to Catholic school. It was run by nuns. They own 3 full-sized vans. Are they going to hell? I think not.

Besides, when you see people from various church groups (ANY denomination) traveling, they travel in a full-size van or a small school-bus. It seems better to take one vehicle than have the Apostles have to split up and convoy, doesn’t it? Carpooling is good on the economy, isn’t it? If it’s all about efficiency…makes sense.

So, what would Jesus drive? I don’t rightly know, but for a group to come out with advertising, claiming to be doing God’s work, saying that the vehicle we choose may send us to the pits of hell is just wrong.

Makes a hell of a good story though.

Maybe the question should be: Would Jesus talk on his cell phone while driving?

See you next time.
(NOTE: I wrote this in 2002... and updated it becuase I bought an SUV..and because it made me chuckle. My other Notes from the Cubicle archives are at:

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