January 12, 2006

Isn't it ALREADY a Snack?

My lunch today was not satisfying. I'm just used to eating more than those microwavable "Good For You" meals. You know, the kind with the fat content on the box-top? I know why you can lose weight eating them... there's not enough food there to fill someone smaller than an Olsen twin up. You have to eat two to get the amount of food you get in one "Regular" microwave meal. Still... sweet and sour chicken didn't sound bad, and the fact that it was about a buck at the store sealed the deal and I bought it.

But, that's not the reason for this blog. The fact is, I finished eating lunch and I'm still hungry. So, I go in search of something to supplement my hunger. I decide I want a candy bar (nevermind I just has a "Good For You" meal). I go in search. I find a coworker who has the candy bowl. Everyone who works at an office has this co-worker. She rocks. I grab 3-4 mini candybars, exchange "UT rocks" pleasantries, and thank her and I'm on my way.

Now a "mini-bar" is smaller than a "snack size" bar but bigger than a "dot." All of these are smaller than the original candy-bar and the original is smaller than the "King Size." Does everyone really need 5 choices when choosing a Snickers?

Here's the difference.

The "dot" comes in a package like Whoppers... but smaller and provide pea-shaped pellets of candy-bar goodness. Not sure the purpose of these things, you end up eating more than a full-sized candy-bar by the time you're done with these. Maybe they're only meant to be topping for ice cream... I dunno.

The "mini-bar" is the smallest individually-packaged candy bar you can get though. It's one bite and you hardly get the taste in your mouth when it's gone. Worthless. This is what my co-worker had. I took 4 to made it seem like I actually ate something... not just had a chocolate-flavored airburst. And mini-M&Ms... did we really need a smaller candy-covered chocolate button? Is this to increase the opportunity for people of all ages to get one of these candies lodged in our throats?

The "snack-size" bar is the worst named candy bar of them all. It's about 3 small bites worth. Enough to make you hungry for a full-size candybar...which as I recall has always been a snack. In-and-of themselves candy bars are snacks. They aren't meals, side dishes, or appetizers. OK.. sometimes they're desserts...but not usually. They are snacks.

Sometimes "snack-size" bars are called "fun-size." Does it do tricks? What's so fun about a 3-bite candybar? You can't even drop a "fun-size" Baby Ruth into a pool and get a reaction. You know what's fun about this? The giddyness you get when you realize you've got that co-worker that has these in a bowl and not those damned "mini-sized" ones.

It's also sometimes called "treat size." A treat is what you give a dog. Which shows how evil the candy business is.. "treat sized" candy bars could kill a dog... since chocolate is poison. BASTARDS!

The "regular" candy bar is the thing that costs you .65¢ and is what you ate your whole life. It's large enough to stop you from being hungry, and small enough so you don't look like a glutton when eating it... Not much to say about this one... it's a perfect snack-sized chunk of chocolate goodness.

The "king-size" candy bar dances the line of candy-bar decency. This thing should be resealable as if you are eating one of these things in it's entirety, you've got a problem. You are likely the person who eats alone at a restaurant and orders an appetizer before the meal. You should probably not be seen in public with this.

Oh.. as a side note. A small tootsie roll is called a "midgee." I don't know for sure, but I don't think that's politically correct.

I guess I'm a candy-bar purist. You can have your dot-snack-fun-mini-kings and leave with them Gimme a regular candy bar.
Until next time...


Queen Kandis said...

I'm the candy bowl coworker in my office. However, I haven't been to the store, so I'm currently out of tiny chocolate bars and just down to tootsie roll midgees. So not only am I rapidly losing popularity, I'm apparently a bigot too?

SeanclaesDOTcom said...

I didn't say you were a bigot... just midgees sound un-PC.. that's all. You perform a valuable service to the candy-needing officspace...and for that you should be rewarded.