I’ve had a chance to take a breath, look around and survey the world around me, and I’ve noticed some things just don’t make sense. Some of these things we just take for granted… be it a phrase, a piece of clothing, or a sticker on the back of your car. That’s what I’m writing about this time… some things just aren’t right.
Shouldn’t shirts and pants be considered “overwear” since they are worn over your underwear? Undershirts… isn’t skin under shirts? Having the shirt you wear under a shirt called undershirt…what is under the undershirt? Skin. Skin is the original undershirt. An undershirt is technically just a second shirt… a layer if you will. Of course, there is nothing that says you have to wear a shirt over the undershirt, but pretty much everyone has skin on under the undershirt, so wouldn’t it be more correct to call them “overskins?”
Also, if undershirts are called that… shouldn’t hats be called “topofheads” and socks called “undershoes?”
Speaking of mislabeling things, what about doughnut holes? If they were really holes, they’d be air. Doughnut balls, I can understand. Doughnut rounds. Doughnut circles. OK. What if I’d rather have a doughnut slice? I want to know my doughnut product isn’t just the filler of the hole that someone else’s doughnut came from. If you really think about it, doughnut holes are just leftovers that they are selling to you. Now… a doughnut slice was made especially for you. Hand crafted by people who care about their product. Yeah.
Sometimes signs are misleading. I walked past this sign a few weeks ago on Sixth Street in Austin that said 22 ice-cold beers on tap. That’s a flat out lie - unless it’s a beercicle. A beer cannot be ice cold or it would actually be… um… ice. That’s why a beer explodes when you put it in the freezer for too long, it turns to ice, expands and POP (kids, don’t try this at home [do it at a friend’s house]). If it’s in a keg it certainly wouldn’t be able to come out the tap. It’d be ice. Ice-cold beer is ICE. I know I’m harping on this, but some people just have to choose better wording.
It’s like the concept of “first-annual” There is no such thing as a first-annual anything. An example of this? On July 3, 2005 Carls Corner Truck stop in Hillsboro, TX hosted Willie Nelson's 1st National Annual BBQ & Chili Cookoff Truck & Tractor Pull. Now, Willie’s folks should know better. The term “annual” assumes that it happens on a yearly basis, or “annually.” If its never happened before, it has no track record…it cannot be an annual event. Now, “first-ever” is fine. Willie Nelson's 1st Ever National BBQ & Chili Cookoff Truck & Tractor Pull. I won’t even get into what the heck a “1st National Annual” means.
Also, the phrase “it’s not even funny” is something that doesn’t need to be said. The phrase is used like “I’m so tired that it’s not even funny.” Did my tiredness stand the chance of ever being funny to begin with? Now: “Sean Claes wrote this humor column, and it’s not even funny.” That would be a sad thing, but a correct use of the phrase.
Enough about stupid words… how about idiot drivers. I was driving down the road recently and this lady in a silver Honda Element was in the lane next to me, about 2 car-lengths back. My lane was about to end, so I put my turn signal on and started to move over… she guns it so I can’t get in. So, she passes me up and I slide in behind her (she left a huge gap between her and the car behind her because she sped up to be in front of me). Whatever makes you sleep better lady… but think about it — now you pissed off the guy who can follow you if he so desires.
That’s not even the funny/sad thing. She has a sticker on the back of her vehicle with her son’s first name, school, and a football helmet with his number on it (#32). Now I know that the dude who plays #32 for this particular high-school (I won’t disclose the school name) has a mom who is a tool of a driver. So, if I ever want to look this person up, I’ve got everything I need… right from the genius’ rear window.
I won’t even go into how stupid and dangerous it is to put your kids name on a sticker on the back of your vehicle’s window for all of the freaks in the world to see.
Ok.. moving on. I went to the barber the other day and they had a promotional item with their logo on it… that’s great. I think barbershops, no matter what size should have promo items. The problem was, this particular promo item was a hat. If you are a good barber (as mine is, you may have read in a previous column of mine) you shouldn’t, under any circumstance, give hats away. It’s like a manicurist giving away gloves.
Simarlarly, I was looking through a promotional item catalog (don’t ask why) and I came across a round-shaped hand-held fan. The logo on it was an energy corporation. Am I the only one that sees the humor in that? That’s like giving away an Exxon bike or a Diamond Shamrock skateboard. Shouldn’t your promotional item not be an alternative to the item you’re selling?
I’ll close for now. There are so many other things wrong…but perhaps you should go scrape a sticker off your vehicle’s window now. Until next time.
July 8, 2005
June 21, 2005
Fatherhood – Play That Game
Being a father rocks. Sure, it's a lot of work, and there have been some sleepless nights... and it's been a harder job that anything I've ever done before in my life... but it rocks like Slayer. Here's a few reasons why:
Children’s Rides:
I’m a six-foot 240-pound man. I’d look pretty silly riding that kiddie train that you see at neighborhood festivals and fairs and the like. Well, add a 14 month old daughter and I’m the “good father” taking his daughter on a ride. Yeah, it rocks. I don’t even get looked at weird.
Snacks:
Ever been somewhere and you get a little hungry, but don’t want to stop and get something to eat? Well, if you have a kid, you’ve got snacks with you. Be it gummy fruits, toasted “Os” (cheap Cheerio knock-off), or zwieback toast – you’ve got something to tide you over until dinner.
Work:
Being a parent means you probably have to take your child to the doctor… a lot. I decided that I was going to be an active father. I want to know what’s going on with my daughter. I can’t see not going to the doctor with her when she’s sick. I don’t think it’s fair to send my wife there alone. Sure, I can’t be there 100% of the time, but neither can my wife, we take turns… it’s called a partnership… it’s called parenting. *steps off soapbox* Now to my thoughts on work. Suddenly, I’ve got an excused absence. I can use my sick leave when I feel fine. The trade off is, my child is sick or has a doctor’s appointment, but I’m leaving work early (or not coming in at all) when I feel fine. This means I can be asleep on the sofa at 3:00p.m. on a Friday. Yeah.
Funny dances:
I can dance in public now without anyone thinking I’m a weirdo. Think about it. Picture a guy bopping down the street like he’s on a hidden-camera episode of “Cop Rock:” Admit it, it’s pretty weird. Now add a baby in his arms. What a sweet-natured fun man. He must be a good daddy. From weirdo to amazingly cool man that everyone should strive to be in nine easy months.
Gross-out:
I’ve become pretty used to anything spouting out of anywhere. Poop, pee, snotty-nose, drool, or spit-up,,, it don’t bother me none. Suddenly getting poop on my hand is like getting mud on It.. it washes off and there’s really nothing wrong with a little mud (I went ahead and didn’t use a food analogy to describe getting poop-hands … you’re welcome).
Pictures:
I’m getting so much practice taking photos. Having a child is like having your own little model to pose and dress up. It’s awesome. My daughter has had her own Web site since before she was born. I’ve taken more photos of her than people take of the star of a movie premiere. I’ll bet I could get her into Guinness as the most photographed non-celebrity baby. I love taking pictures. The coolest thing is, she is so used to having a photo taken of her that she cheeses it up for the camera now. Makes daddy proud… she’s just as big a ham as I am.
Toys:
Baby Einstein, LeapFrog, and Fisher Price stuff rocks. There’s this cool musical “learning table” from LeapFrog that I can…ahem… I mean my daughter can rock out to. Fisher Price has this line of under-water themed toys that are awesome. Baby Einstein hasn’t come out with something I’ve seen that isn’t great – the interactive stacking blocks are cool and the DVDs are really interesting for kids of all ages (and you find yourself singing along with the songs in the weirdest places. Every time I see a dolphin I now sing to it, weather my daughter is with me or not).
Laughing:
If you have a child, you know what an amazing thing this is. To hear your own child laugh is awesome. We make sure to have laugh-time every day. My daughter has become such a pro at laughing, I think she moved to the next level – laughing with comedic timing. On April 9, 2005, my girl laughed at her own fart. It was amazing. She pooted and just lost it! I don’t know where she learned that farts are funny… but she has. I couldn’t be more proud.
There are so many other things that make fatherhood such a cool thing, but it’s 7:45a.m. on a Saturday morning and my little one is waking up, so I’ll close for now (having priorities is also a cool thing that came with fatherhood). Until next time.
Children’s Rides:
I’m a six-foot 240-pound man. I’d look pretty silly riding that kiddie train that you see at neighborhood festivals and fairs and the like. Well, add a 14 month old daughter and I’m the “good father” taking his daughter on a ride. Yeah, it rocks. I don’t even get looked at weird.
Snacks:
Ever been somewhere and you get a little hungry, but don’t want to stop and get something to eat? Well, if you have a kid, you’ve got snacks with you. Be it gummy fruits, toasted “Os” (cheap Cheerio knock-off), or zwieback toast – you’ve got something to tide you over until dinner.
Work:
Being a parent means you probably have to take your child to the doctor… a lot. I decided that I was going to be an active father. I want to know what’s going on with my daughter. I can’t see not going to the doctor with her when she’s sick. I don’t think it’s fair to send my wife there alone. Sure, I can’t be there 100% of the time, but neither can my wife, we take turns… it’s called a partnership… it’s called parenting. *steps off soapbox* Now to my thoughts on work. Suddenly, I’ve got an excused absence. I can use my sick leave when I feel fine. The trade off is, my child is sick or has a doctor’s appointment, but I’m leaving work early (or not coming in at all) when I feel fine. This means I can be asleep on the sofa at 3:00p.m. on a Friday. Yeah.
Funny dances:
I can dance in public now without anyone thinking I’m a weirdo. Think about it. Picture a guy bopping down the street like he’s on a hidden-camera episode of “Cop Rock:” Admit it, it’s pretty weird. Now add a baby in his arms. What a sweet-natured fun man. He must be a good daddy. From weirdo to amazingly cool man that everyone should strive to be in nine easy months.
Gross-out:
I’ve become pretty used to anything spouting out of anywhere. Poop, pee, snotty-nose, drool, or spit-up,,, it don’t bother me none. Suddenly getting poop on my hand is like getting mud on It.. it washes off and there’s really nothing wrong with a little mud (I went ahead and didn’t use a food analogy to describe getting poop-hands … you’re welcome).
Pictures:
I’m getting so much practice taking photos. Having a child is like having your own little model to pose and dress up. It’s awesome. My daughter has had her own Web site since before she was born. I’ve taken more photos of her than people take of the star of a movie premiere. I’ll bet I could get her into Guinness as the most photographed non-celebrity baby. I love taking pictures. The coolest thing is, she is so used to having a photo taken of her that she cheeses it up for the camera now. Makes daddy proud… she’s just as big a ham as I am.
Toys:
Baby Einstein, LeapFrog, and Fisher Price stuff rocks. There’s this cool musical “learning table” from LeapFrog that I can…ahem… I mean my daughter can rock out to. Fisher Price has this line of under-water themed toys that are awesome. Baby Einstein hasn’t come out with something I’ve seen that isn’t great – the interactive stacking blocks are cool and the DVDs are really interesting for kids of all ages (and you find yourself singing along with the songs in the weirdest places. Every time I see a dolphin I now sing to it, weather my daughter is with me or not).
Laughing:
If you have a child, you know what an amazing thing this is. To hear your own child laugh is awesome. We make sure to have laugh-time every day. My daughter has become such a pro at laughing, I think she moved to the next level – laughing with comedic timing. On April 9, 2005, my girl laughed at her own fart. It was amazing. She pooted and just lost it! I don’t know where she learned that farts are funny… but she has. I couldn’t be more proud.
There are so many other things that make fatherhood such a cool thing, but it’s 7:45a.m. on a Saturday morning and my little one is waking up, so I’ll close for now (having priorities is also a cool thing that came with fatherhood). Until next time.
April 1, 2005
Laredo Least Depressed..HA!
In March of 2005 Men's Health magazine chose Laredo as the least depressed city in America..
Here's what their criteria entailed:
Quote:
We looked at antidepressant sales, courtesy of NDC Health; suicide rates, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC); and the number of days inhabitants reported being depressed, based on the CDC's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System, accessed through bestplaces.net.
Where can you find happiness? Texas, that's where. Three of its cities placed in the top four: number one, Laredo; number two, El Paso; and number four, Corpus Christi.
Men's Health magazine link to story - www.menshealth.com/cda/article/0,2823,s1-3-194-3-2358,00.html
Allright.. lets break this down. This was based on all the wrong things...
1. antidepressant sales - Anyone who knows anything knows that most Laredoans either revel in being bitchy and complaining...or they hop the friggin border and get their drugs in Mexico for about 1/5 the cost.
2. suicide rates - People don't commit suicide in Laredo.. there's too much family around to bust you. They drink Schaefer Light and eat greasy crap every day and have a heart attack or die in a diabetes-related preventable illness kind of way. It's like suicide... con queso style.
3. number of days inhabitants reported being depressed - Laredoans don't "report being depressed." They bitch to anyone and everyone within earshot...then go drink Schaefer Light and eat some carnitas.
I was in Laredo recently. I looked around. I didn't see one smile. Most Laredoans aren't happy... they're self-centered assholes who are oblivious to anything but what is happening to them that may benefit them until they set themselves up for the next "feel-sorry-for-me" situation.
If Men's Health judged on the sales of alcohol, number of drug busts, and..I don't know.. maybe spent a little time in Laredo looking around... maybe this survey would have some off a little different.
Here's some other background. Men's Health also rated Laredo the number three dumbest city in America (based on number of bachelor degrees, number of universities and SAT scores. I'm not saying there's anything to that fact... I wouldn't dare use the "ignorance is bliss" line... or would I?
If you are reading this and from Laredo.. I'm not referring to you... I'm talking about other Laredoans. You know.. the ones you don't like.
Here's what their criteria entailed:
Quote:
We looked at antidepressant sales, courtesy of NDC Health; suicide rates, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC); and the number of days inhabitants reported being depressed, based on the CDC's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System, accessed through bestplaces.net.
Where can you find happiness? Texas, that's where. Three of its cities placed in the top four: number one, Laredo; number two, El Paso; and number four, Corpus Christi.
Men's Health magazine link to story - www.menshealth.com/cda/article/0,2823,s1-3-194-3-2358,00.html
Allright.. lets break this down. This was based on all the wrong things...
1. antidepressant sales - Anyone who knows anything knows that most Laredoans either revel in being bitchy and complaining...or they hop the friggin border and get their drugs in Mexico for about 1/5 the cost.
2. suicide rates - People don't commit suicide in Laredo.. there's too much family around to bust you. They drink Schaefer Light and eat greasy crap every day and have a heart attack or die in a diabetes-related preventable illness kind of way. It's like suicide... con queso style.
3. number of days inhabitants reported being depressed - Laredoans don't "report being depressed." They bitch to anyone and everyone within earshot...then go drink Schaefer Light and eat some carnitas.
I was in Laredo recently. I looked around. I didn't see one smile. Most Laredoans aren't happy... they're self-centered assholes who are oblivious to anything but what is happening to them that may benefit them until they set themselves up for the next "feel-sorry-for-me" situation.
If Men's Health judged on the sales of alcohol, number of drug busts, and..I don't know.. maybe spent a little time in Laredo looking around... maybe this survey would have some off a little different.
Here's some other background. Men's Health also rated Laredo the number three dumbest city in America (based on number of bachelor degrees, number of universities and SAT scores. I'm not saying there's anything to that fact... I wouldn't dare use the "ignorance is bliss" line... or would I?
If you are reading this and from Laredo.. I'm not referring to you... I'm talking about other Laredoans. You know.. the ones you don't like.
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